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When I had to go back to chemotherapy, I had this idea about myself: That I’d be the badass, powering through it as if nothing else in my life had changed. But here’s the thing about illness. It is in control. It dictates what you do no matter what your imagination latches onto. This time around, things quickly began to look very different. I found myself disinterested in distractions of movies and books. I found that I had little tolerance for many of the pleasures that could move me through the day.
Instead, I found myself sitting in silence. A lot. It was almost like a cosmic pull. I could sit for hours staring out the window. I watched the sun rise and the sky change colors every morning. I watched the evening shadows as the sun slowly sunk on the horizon. It wasn’t like I was consciously meditating, I just was. I was one with the day, with my surroundings, with looking out the window.
I spoke with my yoga and meditation teacher about this. Shouldn’t I be doing more focused meditations? Chanting? Micromanaging the universe the way I did the first time around, asking for very specific prayers and actions? Anything else but sitting in these quiet spaces? She reassured me that I was actually practicing meditation the way it should be—being connected to all that there was without trying to direct my mind one way or another. It felt strange, but it also felt right. This is what I seem to need to do in order to heal. And I can feel myself healing. That I know is true.
It’s a quiet existence, a little boring even, but I’m trying to have patience with it. Trying to understand what my body is telling me I need. Somehow, the quiet is opening up something inside of me, a way to understand my story in a different way. How I got here, and where I may need to go to next. It’s an odd sort of existence but if feels absolutely necessary.
How will I know when I’m done with the quiet sitting? I think I’ll just know. My body will direct me to the next thing I need to do to heal. Until then, I’m breathing, and meditating and looking out windows.